I have been spending more time at the gym (4 babies, approaching 40, you get the picture) and it seems that regardless of what workout routine I am doing on any given day there is at least one point when I find my inner voice screaming “How much longer?!?” “Wait?!? Are you serious? 30 more seconds? THIRTY more?!?!” Saturday it was pilates and planks, this morning it was weight training and chest presses— in both instances I heard that little voice grumbling “I need to keep doing this for how much longer?!?”
If I am snuggling with my kiddos, or talking with Brandon over a cup of coffee, thirty seconds doesn’t even register— but thirty seconds of shoulder presses feels like an eternity. It isn’t just when I am working out that my “How Long?” alarm sounds— without fail I will be running late for preschool drop off or cutting it close with arriving to a meeting on time and I am caught at a red light that seems to last for ten extra minutes. Or I am trying to talk with an insurance company rep on the phone and one of the little ones decides they also need my attention at that exact moment and the three minute conversations seems like it depletes all of the patience and skill I have on reserve for the next month. Even worse is waiting for results from medical testing- the promised 1-2 weeks feels like a lifetime as the future path of our family hangs in the balance. HOW LONG WILL THIS GO ON?!?
Psalm 13 echos this seeming unfair reality. The Psalmist writes:
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
-Psalm 13:1-3
There are times in our lives when we feel stuck- a job search goes on for years and our family is struggling, a new diagnosis challenges our way of life and the changes required are daunting, we live through tragedy and in the aftermath feel broken and incapable of functioning, we move to a new town and cannot find our “people” and the loneliness feels suffocating… we have each been their in our own way. Looking around us we realize the expectations we had, the promises we had bought into— none of them are materializing, instead everything feels hard and broken. That is Psalm 13. Where is God? Has God just forgotten me? Why does God allow my doubts to cycle through my brain day in and day out without reassuring me? How long with God keep me guessing? When is God going to show up?
Our response to our struggle is doubt- doubting God and doubting ourselves. Maybe we were naive. Maybe we missed something. My faith must not be strong enough. I must not be praying correctly. I am not strong enough. Psalm 13 brings us back. We see in its words that we are not alone in our cries of “How Long?!?” We find solidarity in our struggle. The Psalmist’s refrain isn’t just found in this single psalm either—- time and again in the Psalms the cry of “How Long?” is exclaimed–Psalms 6, 35, 74, 79, 89, 94 all join in.
When we find ourselves turning towards self deprecation, we need to remember that we have continued to show up. Like struggling at the gym, the struggle is only possible because we show up, push our limits, and fight through the discomfort. When we find ourselves stuck in one of life’s struggles and screaming to God “How Long?!” we can remind ourselves that we have shown up, we our willing to push our limits in order to grow, and struggle through the discomfort. Our endurance is a sign of our strength.
We also need to celebrate that we believe in a God that isn’t threatened or angered by our cries. We need to remember that just because we don’t perceive God, does not mean that God isn’t present. God is here. In the midst of our cries, God is with us. In the midst of the pain, the grief, the self-doubt, the struggles, the waiting— God is with us.
Psalm 13 doesn’t end with a cry for “How Long,” it ends with the Psalmist acknowledging the truth he knows about the God he follows— “but I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.”
This last verse of the Psalm is the moment after despair, the deep breath in after the scream, the brief second of clarity when you feel God’s presence in the midst of the darkness. This isn’t the end, God is near. There is a path forward, I just need to take one more step. I can do this… with God’s help. We are each working on our core. It is hard work. It is exhausting and at times can feel like it requires everything that we are to make it one more moment. But we are growing, we are not alone, and we will come to our moment of praising God and seeing God more clearly than before.
May you find your own strength as you rely on the strength of God. May you see the people in your life as God’s gift of presence and love in the midst of the trying and exhausting times. May we encourage each other on and help carry each other through the periods of chaos. You are loved and you are not alone.
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